Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. How i love green day <3

I can't wait for this month to be over and into october, november, december; here we move into the midst of autumn, the time to get cracking with revision & UCAS. The time to pull out my scarves and hoodies, or should i say David's hoodie. The time of looking forward to snuggling up in bed. The things i'm waiting for: my big sisters birthday, my birthday, my holiday to Lapland, christmas shopping.

This month has been one big stress of starting year 13, an increased workload, loneliness and a bunch of bad news, but we move on, into another month and we continue to live. I hope this lonely feeling subsides soon and that the hard work won't be wasted.

This week I'm enjoying staying with Adam, it's easy living, comfortable and just generally makes me happy :)
However, I'm in the mood to go to bed right now and be woken up when september ends, though i probably wouldn't mind skipping october too. Oh well, tomorrow will be better.

Remember That I Love You ♥

'Cause i like to be gone most of the time,
And you like to be home most of the time,
If i stay in one place i lose my mind,
I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with ♥



Listen to it :)

What's the point?

What's the point in being alive if you're not gonna live your life?
What's the point in being a friend if you don't act like one?
What's the point in being together if you can't compromise?
What's the point in having a chance just to waste it?
What's the point in giving up halfway through the fight?
What's the point in hurting others when you hurt yourself?
WHAT'S THE POINT?

The point is that you find the point, the meaning to your life, you find out what you want and how to make it happen; if you don't - your loss, if you do - your gain. And if there's no point in the action, think about the consequences and find the things that HAVE A POINT.

Family ♥

Just this second a thought has come to light in my head that i want to share with you my readers.
Using the ever faithful dictionary the 10th definition of family is;
a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and frequently, live together.

I want to take this opportunity to discuss MY family. Of course my family is made up of blood connections; My Dad - David, My Mom - Janet, My Sisters - Katie & Toni, Grandparents - Tony & Pauline, Margaret & Ken, Aunties - Julie, Jayne & Jen, Uncles - Daryl & Alan, Cousins - Ash, Mart, James, Russ, Becky, April & Zoe.
Then of course my family who share my attitudes, interests and goals, the people i spend a lot of my time with; My Boyfriend & Best Friend - David, My Best Friends - Jade, Chloe & Adam.
I LIVE with all of these people frequently; they share my life on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. Every person mentioned in this blog has known me at least a year and at most - my entire life. You do not have to be blood related to be family, you have to care and be there, you do not earn a place in a family, the place is already there waiting to be filled.
Whatever happens in life, you always fall back on your family - blood related or not, and MY family means the world to me ♥

I need to breathe

Sometimes i feel like i can't breathe, like i'm suffocating. Suffocated by this longing, crushed by the despair of the loneliness, the waiting.
Sometimes i wish that you would just say here's a whole day just for me and you, because it's what i need, what i crave, i struggle and suffer through the whole week, scraping by on a few hours a night maybe, and hope that i will get rewarded for my patience, but the impatience takes over when you say you don't know, or that i can't have it, and i feel like screaming, breaking something. I'm trapped in a prison that i guess i've made for myself, but you don't hear my pleas.
Take me in your arms and tell me that the day is mine, i'm a fool for hoping, for waiting, but i need it so desperately.
I'm so close to letting it take me today, i need to get out, but not just anywhere, i need to get out to you.

7weeks to gooooooooooooo.

November 3rd - Ready Or Not Here I Come!

Guess today i'm a little excited, 7 weeks till i'm 18, and i can't wait! Or can i?

I'm on both sides, so much to do so little timeee - revision, personal statement, get a new job!

But on the plus, i've been with my boyfriend almost 4months and it feels like only yesterday, but so long ago. Today i spent some much needed quality time just me and him, no interruptions so we could just relax :) and we went out to the cinema, to see Scott Pilgrim Vs The World and typically clumsy, i managed to kick his bottle of pop so it rolled away :')

So i wonder what's to come in the next 7 weeks, because a lot happened in the last 7 and i'm sure the next 7 will be full of surprises too.

Happy but tired, the countdown continues xx xx x

I Normally Hate Sundays

It's quite a widely known fact amongst my friends how much i hate sundays. And normally, i do. I'm normally all edgy and frustrated because i'd rather be anywhere than sitting at home in my room all day and i let myself get worked up over boredom.

Brilliant music ;)

Yet today is different, i feel so calm and relaxed. I went with my dad to take my sister to work and went to the vodafone shop to change my contract and that in itself made me feel better. Then i've come home and got something to drink and some snacks, and sat in my room listening through the old Katy Perry, Lady Gaga albums & the new Paramore album whilst getting stuck into my first week of A2 homework. And honestly, i feel calm and content just sitting in my room listening through my music and doing my work.

Although there is a slight irony in that i am currently doing homework on the sociology of the mass media and indulging in such media as music, iPod & the internet :) and i'm looking forward to seeing Paramore again soon, but mostly looking forward to my sunday dinner & bath tonight!
Happy sunday readers! <3 x x

Adam Williams :)

I love this photo.

Yesterday i spent the day with a much loved friend,

we always seem to have the craziest fun together, like

making a playlist of 30 song and making half hour long videos doing random dances, like dressing up in an oversized hoodie and shades as Eminem, was a particular highlight of my day yesterday xD

We've had so many crazy sleepovers where we stay up till 2am playing the sims on ps2 or watching films that we are way too old to watch, then when he goes to bed and we say how sexy we both look in our pj's & have our bedtime chats :P

It doesn't matter what we do or where we go we always have a good time together, and i'd really like to thank him for always being there and making me laugh constantly. I love how we just sit and rip the piss out of each other and i'm really looking forward to house sitting with him for 2weeks at the end of the month :)

Thankyou Adam Williams, for being a brilliant best friend ;)

Lets learn french and go to church!

Today, i had a text from my closest friend and it made me feel relieved.
We've both been through some rough times across the last 12 months, but finally, she's seeing the sun :)

It relieves me that we can sit in my living room eating baked potatoes and tuna, watching american pie, knowing that we're both content to just sit in each other's company. It was a comfortable, relaxed afternoon, of which i hope there are many more.

This text lifted a weight from my heart that has been there for a while, it said

'Wend i fucking love you you know. this is from the heart. i need to start living. enough of this shit! i've wasted a year of my life, it's time to do something instead of moping. please help me, be there & i'll do the same. I'm going to do what i want, learn french & go to church. Fuck the fake people around me including _______. don't leave. i love you'

Our dreams are within reach

Finally, we have broken through the darkest night, through the grey fog of the morning, the sun is filtering through to the brightest daylight we'll ever see.

So after this text i looked up college courses so that i can sort out what i'm thinking of doing with my life next year,

it's time to stop dreaming my dreams and instead to make them my reality!

Forget what you had, realise what you have.

I guess i've been doing some thinking the last few days,
and i've come to realise that instead of realising what we HAVE most of us are moping around over what we HAD.

There will always be things in our lives that we regret, that can never be replaced, chances wasted and opportunities untouched, but as the french say c'est la vie. It part of growing up, part of living, it's called experience.

We cannot change the past, and being our foolish human selves we do try for a long time to live in the past, but you only regress by dwelling in false hopes.

It may be high time that we all sit back and have a long hard look at what we have; family, friends, partners, the material things, EVERYTHING. There's no harm in remembering what you once had, but letting it take over your life will soon consume you so that you cannot escape it.
We all have things that make us who we are now, everything happens for a reason and i for one think i may need to think a little more carefully about what i have.

Don't you?

Mama ♥

Mama i love you,

Mama i care.

You used to be everything to me, i idolised you, but no matter what you put me through i will always love you. At the moment, things are hard, i can't accept the choices you've made, the one's you are making, i can only see that they're hurting. One day i promise i will try to understand, but right now i still wish that you'd never left us, because it tears at the edges of my heart everyday, to see our broken family. I do love you and i do miss you.

The damage will never ever be repaired, the relationship we had never replaced, we can patch it up, but it will never be as good as new.

You know i was always a mommy's girl, but mommy's girl had to grow up.

She had to face the world without mommy to come home to everyday, she had to learn to let go of mommy her idol and face mom the reality. And that was probably what hurt the most, realizing that you weren't who i'd always thought you were.

One day i might understand, but not yet and not today.

I love you ♥

Mama <3  << Listennn

Running back through the fire, when there's nothing left to save.

Out of the fire and into the frying pan?

Running back through the fire,

when there is quite clearly NOTHING left to save.

Yet, i still feel that there is something left to save.

In total there are 57 definitions for fire, but the one that stood out most clearly to my cause was number 11 - severe trial or trouble; ordeal.

Thats exactly what this fire is to me, a severe trial or trouble, it's just an ordeal.

You'd think that after 2years the fire would of burnt out, but not when there's always someone giving it a little fuel. Oh, how i wish that you would stop fuelling it, because it just hurts, it sends me back into the fire time after time, because i look into it and it flares a passion within me, one long forgotten, and it inspires me to save the smouldering wisps of the life that was once there, before the fire consumed it.

I guess it's up to me to smother the flames, or else i will be continually burned by the fire, until i no longer feel anything except the heat of hell.

So now the fire is to be put out and the realisation that there is nothing left to save, dawns.