What a weeeeeek!

It's definitely been a stressful week this week!
Tuesday was the worst day of my week, it was highly distressing for me, luckily for me i have some pretty good friends that i can turn to in times like this, so i went to the park with them on wednesday and it helped me see things a little clearer.
Thursday was slightly stressful, but ended on a better note,
I finally came home from 11 days of housesitting on friday and it was nice to just sit down and spend an evening in the house with Katie & Dad.
Yesterday morning i went to look at BCU and everytime i visit a uni it just reinforces the fact that i cannot wait to go to uni, i really honestly can't wait!
Then i spent some much needed quality time with the boyfriend, which was the highlight of my entire week to be honest because i feel like that time is getting fewer and far between.
Today, as always, is the pile of homework to do, but i've had my porridge and bath and now i'm settled to work until i go and spend the night with Miss Wappers ;)



And as always, hoping for the texts that won't come until later, because no one texts me good morning nowadays.





Uni, i can't wait!



P.s. Blahblahblah on the subject of school work why don't i give it all up and become a housewife? Because really the stress & effort of year 13 work & UCAS is clearly nothing in the face of household chores. Cheers for the support.

1 Month To Gooooo :D

My Sister + Chocolate Brownies = Good Times!

Today is one month until my 18th! WOOOOO ;)

And i'm going to make this last month as a 17 year old count!

Today i've been to town with my dad to get Adam's 18th present & we had a nice coffee in Starbucks :)

I'm currently working through a moderate pile of homework with my ipod on shuffle and i am looking forward to staying with Adam again for the next 5 days :)

This hasn't been the best of weeks really it's been a bit rushed and stressful, but things should settle down now; i think i know what i want to do for my extended project and i think i have some idea about UCAS & uni's i wanna go to :) Katie's 19th meal was a good night out and a good end to the week ;)

Be good to yourself because nobody else has the power to make you happy! So bring October on ;)

Wake Me Up When September Ends.

Here comes the rain again, falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are. How i love green day <3

I can't wait for this month to be over and into october, november, december; here we move into the midst of autumn, the time to get cracking with revision & UCAS. The time to pull out my scarves and hoodies, or should i say David's hoodie. The time of looking forward to snuggling up in bed. The things i'm waiting for: my big sisters birthday, my birthday, my holiday to Lapland, christmas shopping.

This month has been one big stress of starting year 13, an increased workload, loneliness and a bunch of bad news, but we move on, into another month and we continue to live. I hope this lonely feeling subsides soon and that the hard work won't be wasted.

This week I'm enjoying staying with Adam, it's easy living, comfortable and just generally makes me happy :)
However, I'm in the mood to go to bed right now and be woken up when september ends, though i probably wouldn't mind skipping october too. Oh well, tomorrow will be better.

Remember That I Love You ♥

'Cause i like to be gone most of the time,
And you like to be home most of the time,
If i stay in one place i lose my mind,
I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with ♥



Listen to it :)

What's the point?

What's the point in being alive if you're not gonna live your life?
What's the point in being a friend if you don't act like one?
What's the point in being together if you can't compromise?
What's the point in having a chance just to waste it?
What's the point in giving up halfway through the fight?
What's the point in hurting others when you hurt yourself?
WHAT'S THE POINT?

The point is that you find the point, the meaning to your life, you find out what you want and how to make it happen; if you don't - your loss, if you do - your gain. And if there's no point in the action, think about the consequences and find the things that HAVE A POINT.

Family ♥

Just this second a thought has come to light in my head that i want to share with you my readers.
Using the ever faithful dictionary the 10th definition of family is;
a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and frequently, live together.

I want to take this opportunity to discuss MY family. Of course my family is made up of blood connections; My Dad - David, My Mom - Janet, My Sisters - Katie & Toni, Grandparents - Tony & Pauline, Margaret & Ken, Aunties - Julie, Jayne & Jen, Uncles - Daryl & Alan, Cousins - Ash, Mart, James, Russ, Becky, April & Zoe.
Then of course my family who share my attitudes, interests and goals, the people i spend a lot of my time with; My Boyfriend & Best Friend - David, My Best Friends - Jade, Chloe & Adam.
I LIVE with all of these people frequently; they share my life on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. Every person mentioned in this blog has known me at least a year and at most - my entire life. You do not have to be blood related to be family, you have to care and be there, you do not earn a place in a family, the place is already there waiting to be filled.
Whatever happens in life, you always fall back on your family - blood related or not, and MY family means the world to me ♥

I need to breathe

Sometimes i feel like i can't breathe, like i'm suffocating. Suffocated by this longing, crushed by the despair of the loneliness, the waiting.
Sometimes i wish that you would just say here's a whole day just for me and you, because it's what i need, what i crave, i struggle and suffer through the whole week, scraping by on a few hours a night maybe, and hope that i will get rewarded for my patience, but the impatience takes over when you say you don't know, or that i can't have it, and i feel like screaming, breaking something. I'm trapped in a prison that i guess i've made for myself, but you don't hear my pleas.
Take me in your arms and tell me that the day is mine, i'm a fool for hoping, for waiting, but i need it so desperately.
I'm so close to letting it take me today, i need to get out, but not just anywhere, i need to get out to you.

7weeks to gooooooooooooo.

November 3rd - Ready Or Not Here I Come!

Guess today i'm a little excited, 7 weeks till i'm 18, and i can't wait! Or can i?

I'm on both sides, so much to do so little timeee - revision, personal statement, get a new job!

But on the plus, i've been with my boyfriend almost 4months and it feels like only yesterday, but so long ago. Today i spent some much needed quality time just me and him, no interruptions so we could just relax :) and we went out to the cinema, to see Scott Pilgrim Vs The World and typically clumsy, i managed to kick his bottle of pop so it rolled away :')

So i wonder what's to come in the next 7 weeks, because a lot happened in the last 7 and i'm sure the next 7 will be full of surprises too.

Happy but tired, the countdown continues xx xx x

I Normally Hate Sundays

It's quite a widely known fact amongst my friends how much i hate sundays. And normally, i do. I'm normally all edgy and frustrated because i'd rather be anywhere than sitting at home in my room all day and i let myself get worked up over boredom.

Brilliant music ;)

Yet today is different, i feel so calm and relaxed. I went with my dad to take my sister to work and went to the vodafone shop to change my contract and that in itself made me feel better. Then i've come home and got something to drink and some snacks, and sat in my room listening through the old Katy Perry, Lady Gaga albums & the new Paramore album whilst getting stuck into my first week of A2 homework. And honestly, i feel calm and content just sitting in my room listening through my music and doing my work.

Although there is a slight irony in that i am currently doing homework on the sociology of the mass media and indulging in such media as music, iPod & the internet :) and i'm looking forward to seeing Paramore again soon, but mostly looking forward to my sunday dinner & bath tonight!
Happy sunday readers! <3 x x

Adam Williams :)

I love this photo.

Yesterday i spent the day with a much loved friend,

we always seem to have the craziest fun together, like

making a playlist of 30 song and making half hour long videos doing random dances, like dressing up in an oversized hoodie and shades as Eminem, was a particular highlight of my day yesterday xD

We've had so many crazy sleepovers where we stay up till 2am playing the sims on ps2 or watching films that we are way too old to watch, then when he goes to bed and we say how sexy we both look in our pj's & have our bedtime chats :P

It doesn't matter what we do or where we go we always have a good time together, and i'd really like to thank him for always being there and making me laugh constantly. I love how we just sit and rip the piss out of each other and i'm really looking forward to house sitting with him for 2weeks at the end of the month :)

Thankyou Adam Williams, for being a brilliant best friend ;)

Lets learn french and go to church!

Today, i had a text from my closest friend and it made me feel relieved.
We've both been through some rough times across the last 12 months, but finally, she's seeing the sun :)

It relieves me that we can sit in my living room eating baked potatoes and tuna, watching american pie, knowing that we're both content to just sit in each other's company. It was a comfortable, relaxed afternoon, of which i hope there are many more.

This text lifted a weight from my heart that has been there for a while, it said

'Wend i fucking love you you know. this is from the heart. i need to start living. enough of this shit! i've wasted a year of my life, it's time to do something instead of moping. please help me, be there & i'll do the same. I'm going to do what i want, learn french & go to church. Fuck the fake people around me including _______. don't leave. i love you'

Our dreams are within reach

Finally, we have broken through the darkest night, through the grey fog of the morning, the sun is filtering through to the brightest daylight we'll ever see.

So after this text i looked up college courses so that i can sort out what i'm thinking of doing with my life next year,

it's time to stop dreaming my dreams and instead to make them my reality!

Forget what you had, realise what you have.

I guess i've been doing some thinking the last few days,
and i've come to realise that instead of realising what we HAVE most of us are moping around over what we HAD.

There will always be things in our lives that we regret, that can never be replaced, chances wasted and opportunities untouched, but as the french say c'est la vie. It part of growing up, part of living, it's called experience.

We cannot change the past, and being our foolish human selves we do try for a long time to live in the past, but you only regress by dwelling in false hopes.

It may be high time that we all sit back and have a long hard look at what we have; family, friends, partners, the material things, EVERYTHING. There's no harm in remembering what you once had, but letting it take over your life will soon consume you so that you cannot escape it.
We all have things that make us who we are now, everything happens for a reason and i for one think i may need to think a little more carefully about what i have.

Don't you?

Mama ♥

Mama i love you,

Mama i care.

You used to be everything to me, i idolised you, but no matter what you put me through i will always love you. At the moment, things are hard, i can't accept the choices you've made, the one's you are making, i can only see that they're hurting. One day i promise i will try to understand, but right now i still wish that you'd never left us, because it tears at the edges of my heart everyday, to see our broken family. I do love you and i do miss you.

The damage will never ever be repaired, the relationship we had never replaced, we can patch it up, but it will never be as good as new.

You know i was always a mommy's girl, but mommy's girl had to grow up.

She had to face the world without mommy to come home to everyday, she had to learn to let go of mommy her idol and face mom the reality. And that was probably what hurt the most, realizing that you weren't who i'd always thought you were.

One day i might understand, but not yet and not today.

I love you ♥

Mama <3  << Listennn

Running back through the fire, when there's nothing left to save.

Out of the fire and into the frying pan?

Running back through the fire,

when there is quite clearly NOTHING left to save.

Yet, i still feel that there is something left to save.

In total there are 57 definitions for fire, but the one that stood out most clearly to my cause was number 11 - severe trial or trouble; ordeal.

Thats exactly what this fire is to me, a severe trial or trouble, it's just an ordeal.

You'd think that after 2years the fire would of burnt out, but not when there's always someone giving it a little fuel. Oh, how i wish that you would stop fuelling it, because it just hurts, it sends me back into the fire time after time, because i look into it and it flares a passion within me, one long forgotten, and it inspires me to save the smouldering wisps of the life that was once there, before the fire consumed it.

I guess it's up to me to smother the flames, or else i will be continually burned by the fire, until i no longer feel anything except the heat of hell.

So now the fire is to be put out and the realisation that there is nothing left to save, dawns.

Pining.

Pining -
verb (used without object)
1. to yearn deeply; suffer with longing; long painfully (often fol. by for ): to pine for one's home and family.

2. to fail gradually in health or vitality from grief, regret, or longing (often fol. by away ): Separated by their families, the lovers pined away.

3. Archaic . to be discontented; fret.

–verb (used with object)

4. Archaic . to suffer grief or regret over.

–noun
5. Archaic . painful longing.

This week, it is safe to say that i am pining. Pining for his voice, pining for the feel of him in my arms, pining for his bouncy hair, pining for his touch. It has been a very long week, the days seem to pass crippilingly slower than usual, each hour does not pass fast enough, each day does not turn into the next soon enough. Counting the days just makes my suffering more painful. It's a painful longing, it burns. I can't forget it for even a fraction of a second, it's there in the back of my mind, it can be pushed to the back, but not forgotten, and it resents being shunned.
But upon reunion the pain will evapourate.
And as the reunion can now be seen on the horizon, the bitterness and pain and longing flare viciously, but the pleasure will be worth the pain. And although the horizon is ever so slowly nearing, i know i've almost made it and that i will get there.

Materialism

Materialism - 'preoccupation with or emphasis on material objects, comforts, and considerations, with a disinterest in or rejection of spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values.'

I hate the materialistic state of this world. Everything nowadays seems to require money, what happened to the good old days of chilling at the park?
Everywhere you go everything you do all depends on money.
Money won't buy you happiness, no, but i do believe that it helps.
But when it comes down to it would you rather have the company of your cold hard cash and the pretty things you bought or the company of good friends?

You can have fun without money, you just have to know how,
you can't put a price on good memories with good friends :)

Throw caution to the wind!

I was just having a conversation with a friend over facebook over exam results, i said that i expected ours to be at least equal to each others,
he said "I would be cautious i swear they can just turn on you if you get a bastard of a marker."
my response was "No point in that, throw caution to the wind, whats done cannot be undone!"

After both sets of exams this year i have had friends worrying over results, i always say the same thing, there's no point is worrying, what's done is done and you can't change the past and if they're not what you hoped they'd be there's the future to change it.

Throw caution to the wind people, it's not worth the worry :)

Patience Vs Impatience

They say that patience is a virtue,
So i looked up some definitions of virtue;
moral excellence; goodness; righteousness.

conformity of one's life and conduct to moral and ethical principles; uprightness; rectitude.
In the case of these definitions i would suppose that whether or not patience is a virtue would rely on your own personal set of morals. Also conformity - conforming to society or to your peers to their norms and values, WHY conform? To fit in? Screw it, I don't fit in anyway, so therefore my theory is that IMpatience is a virtue.
Why?
Because it allows you to be impulsive, eccentric, why waste your life, your time waiting around? You only get one life! Be impatient, tap your foot a little, don't sit and watch the clock, let the clock watch you, because when you run out of time, at least you'll know you used it all instead of wasting it.

Untitled

Sick of pouring tears out from my heart,
Really should of known better from the start,
The promises that were too good to be true,
The lies that made me believe in you.

It's a bittersweet twist,
Yet who could resist?
That look in your eyes,
The charm that was just a disguise.

From the heat of that kiss,
To suddenly this,
It tears me apart,
From the seams of my heart.

I sought for a love so pure and true,
Instead what i have is you,
With a heart turned so black,
That i will never get you back.

Paranoia

The buzz buzz buzz of paranoia in your ears.
Tell me dear, is it annoying? Like a fly you can't swat,
As you just sit there and fret in your frenzy?

Isn't it funny my dear how honey comes from a bee,
Yet it seems to me,
That you just cannot see,
All you can hear is the buzz buzz buzz of paranoia.

Next time dear i'd think twice,
Because the honey may be too sweet,
And the bee might just sting you.

Rosieeeeeeeeeeee ♥

I think my Rosieeeeeeeee that you know what life means with you in it, but i have some things i wanted to tell youuuu;
When you're feeling down i want you to look at this and know that i'll always always love you and be here for you,
And then when you're happy i want you to look at this and know that i'll always always love you and be here for you
Because, that way you will know & realise that i'm never leaving because i stayed through it all,
I love you millions home gyallllllllllllllllll ♥

You had me at hello ♥

I think it was always inevitable,
From the moment that we locked eyes,
That we were destined to be,
We were soul mates in disgiuse.

It was plain to everyone's eyes,
That the passion was always there,
The enimity at the start,
The hate that kicked with a flare.

Then came the friendship,
With ups and downs,
Swinging like a merry-go-round,
With the ever changing smiles and frowns.

It wasn't too long,
Before it was love,
You and me together,
So far beyond and above,

What we ever expected,
At that first glance,
Because you had me at hello,
And it sealed the fate of our romance.